Paper

Crate

Merry Christmas 2019

This cartoon comes from the vault and the heart.  Merry Christmas to all from Johnny, Lance, and the Jarlsberg family!

THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA

THE TRUTH
ABOUT SANTA
by Stilton's Dad

Santa is a very mean man, no matter what you may think.

Perhaps you've heard him called Saint Nick? No...they're two completely different people.

Saint Nick is a jolly man who brings grown-ups and children all the wonderful things and gifts they've hoped for or asked for...for the whole year. He always makes sure that every daddy and mommy and child at every home gets no less that $197.15 worth of first quality merchandise every Christmas...and sometimes even more!

However, Santa Claus follows Saint Nick, and as soon as Saint Nick comes out of the chimney, down goes Santa Claus. He looks at all the wonderful gifts and immediately takes the best ones and puts them in his bag. He fixes all the plastic toys so that they will break quickly, and if a toy uses batteries, he replaces these with very weak batteries that will not work long.

He changes clothing items for sizes that will not fit and hides the sales receipt so they may not be easily returned. He also substitutes bad colors for good on any clothing gifts for girls. If he finds candy in the Christmas stockings, he exchanges it for some candy he carries which will make children sick.

When he has done all he can think of to make people unhappy, he shoots up the chimney to his sleigh...making sure that the reindeer kick loose a few shingles in their departure. This will make the roof leak and ruin the plaster and lose Daddy thousands of dollars when he attempts to sell the home.

Santa then takes all the good toys and presents he has stolen and gives them to bad little boys and girls who do not deserve them. And these bad little children will laugh at good little children because they got what you wanted!

This year, maybe bad Santa will make good Saint Nick sick on Christmas Eve and everybody will get "Christmas surprises" that are very surprising indeed!

JOHNNY OPTIMISM BOOK UPDATE

The free Johnny Optimism ebook promotion is over, and it was a huge success! Lots of books got downloaded, lots of reviews have been written (thank you so much!), and a gratifying number of paperback books were purchased.

As promised, we looked at the total profit for the paperback books and it was a bit shy of $50 (there were quite a few sales, but we'd priced the book so low that there wasn't much profit per copy). In any event, we kicked the total up to $100 and made a donation from all of us to a group called "Canines for Disabled Kids." Hey, what says "Johnny and Lance" more than kids getting service dogs?

Merry Christmas to one and all!

If you bought a paperback, then this is YOUR donation too!

Shake

And don't forget that Johnny Optimism's first book is still available FREE on Amazon at this link!

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!

Democrats, when not busily impeaching the President for being successful and patriotic, like to promise "free" goodies in exchange for votes. Of course, those goodies are never actually free, and usually don't even happen. Which is why we're going to show them how it's done...

Yes, everyone's favorite sick-but-lovable webcomic about a boy, his dog, and the general hellishness of Life is now in book form and, like Johnny approaching a steep wheelchair ramp, we want to give it a really good push to get started. That's why we're giving it away free as our gift to you, our favorite people on Earth. You can download the ebook from Amazon absolutely free (by clicking on this link) between 12/18 and 12/22. (Please check to make SURE that the actual price has dropped to $0.00, and not just $0 if you belong to Kindle Unlimited. Also, you DO NOT NEED to join Kindle Unlimited to get the book free - so don't do that!)

The ebook can be read on any computer, smartphone, or tablet using the free Kindle Reader app from Amazon. And the book has been specially optimized to look great, even on a dinky little phone, if you know this trick: turn your phone sideways, then double-tap on a cartoon. This will make the cartoon full-screen, after which a simple tap or finger stroke on the cartoon will automatically advance you to the next rib-tickler!

There's also a genuinely lovely paperback version of Johnny's book, which we're temporarily offering for $5.99 (pretty much the lowest price Amazon will let us charge, and free shipping with Prime). The paperback is perfect for bathroom reading, "accidentally" leaving behind in doctors' waiting rooms, holiday gift-giving, or a "get well" gift for anyone who you're not fully committed to seeing get well.

But wait! There's more! We're going to take every cent of profit from the paperback (during the dates shown), double it, then donate it to a children's charity. And how do you know we'll really do that? Because we're not thieving liars who steal from charity like the Clintons!

AND NOW, WE'D LIKE TO ASK A FAVOR... Amazon markets books based on how popular they are and how many reviews they get online. So after you've downloaded the book, please consider leaving an honest Amazon review. And if you do, please don't mention politics because Johnny has enough problems already without being labeled a Nazi.

Enjoy the book, and feel free to share the link with others! After all, it's the season of giving!

Loses

Readers- Johnny is preparing a very special Christmas gift for you which should be ready later this week! Be sure to check in on Weds or Friday (depending on my schedule) to enjoy this special one time giveaway!

Vertigo!

Sorry, no post today. I had to respond to a minor medical emergency when daughter Jarlsberg had a crippling attack of vertigo. So I'm away from my toys and tools (and forgot to bring my iPad charger) and will be largely incommunicado.

Positive thoughts and prayers for daughter J are appreciated. As for me, I DID pack a jug of Clan MacGregor, so I've got that going for me!

Standing

Drop

Present

Shoveling

Bumps

Spill

Thanksgiving 2019

Best wishes to all for a wonderful and meaningful Thanksgiving, from Johnny, Lance, and the Jarlsberg family!

If we're really doing it right, that's how it should work.

Gahan Wilson

Last week saw the passing of cartoonist Gahan Wilson, the master of macabre, funny, and wildly original visual humor. I've been a fan of his work for 50 years or more, and he was certainly an influence on my somewhat off-kilter sense of humor...especially as it related to Johnny Optimism.

Gahan Wilson leaves behind a vast collection of beautifully written and illustrated cartoons, books, and more - all of which are delightfully creepy. He will be deeply missed - but fortunately, his work will keep us laughing for a long time to come.

Made

Almost

Hiccups

Above

Doo-Dah

Veterans Day 2019

Card

Numbers

In

Contest

Halloween 2019

Our annual Halloween posting is probably our favorite of the year. Not just because we love Halloween, although that certainly enters into it. But because it allows us to showcase the real kids who are demonstrating the central principle of this unusual webcomic: Life can treat you unfairly, but you can fight back with humor.

We don't normally get misty at Halloween, but we can't hold back a manly sniffle or two (and a lot of approving laughter) while looking at the wonderful wheelchair costumes put together by these kids, their families, and caregivers. They're all heroes in our book, and a genuine inspiration.

And so here they are - TWO galleries this year. Enjoy, and best wishes to you and yours for this kookiest, spookiest of holidays!   -Stilt

PS: As always, you can click on any of the pictures to open it in a new window with a larger size!

Fine

Tasty

Cough

Door

Pete

First Thing

Teach

First

Shake

Skeleton

Stressed

Three

Tortured

Accident

Trapped